Japanese TV

I told my oldest boy, "The TV you're watching was made in Japan." He replied withour missing a beat: "Well, it speaks English!"

Did The flintstones Wear Underwear?

My oldest boy asked me the other day, "Daddy, did the Flintstones wear underwear?" That didn't bother me. what bothered me was, I had to think about it. I had to think long and hard. I ended up saying, "Yes, of course they did." but actually they didn't. Underwear hadn't been invented yet. Unless it was underwear made of stone and by definition that is horribly uncomfortable. But I said yes because I didn't want him going to school the next day, dropping his pants in front of everyone and going, "Look, I'm not wearing any underwear - just like the Flintstones.

I told my two boys I would never lie to them, but in times like these, little white lies are okay, I have learned.

The First Joke

My oldest boy who is now seven just learned his first joke. Are you ready? Here it goes..."I going to spend my money on a new butt because my old one has a crack in it."

Truly a proud day for Daddy. I can't wait till he tells it to our preacher which I'm sure he will do. Now if he can just do about 30 more like that he will have an act and I can take him on the road as my opening comic. The Carver Boys Tour. Has a ring to it, doesn't it?

Remember what your childs first joke was? Tell me and I will post it.

The Mini Vacation

So the family took a mini vacatiion to Myrtle Beach over the weekend. Vacations are a time to relax and get over the stress in your life, right? Wrong. The resort we were going to was advertised at the end of 52nd street. Only thing is, there are like three 52nd streets in Myrtle Beach. Whoever came up with this idea should be fired immediately.

We went around in circles for about two hours looking for the resort. When we found it there were cars all the way around the block waiting to check in. The place was full to capacity. We got our key and then we couldn't find the room because they sent us to the wrong building. When we did finally find the room, the key wouldn't work.

I teach stress management so at this point I'm trying to practice what I preach. It's not working. This is just one of those days where nothing is going to go right.

The resort had an indoor pool and water slide and hot jaccuzzis and all kinds of things for the kids to play on. the only problem is, there were too many kids there. So no one had any fun. Every pool was full, the water slide was full every jaccuzzi was full, ever chair was taken, we couldn't enjoy it.

I was so glad to get back home and relax in front of the TV and watch football. There's no place like home. I don't think I'm going back to Myrtle Beach ever again. It's getting way too big to enjoy anymore.

Maybe I'll go to Atlantic Beach, NC or Carolina Beach. They're still small enough to enjoy and not stress you out.

Oh, thank God for Valium.

Shopping for Christmas

I did Christmas chopping for my two boys today. I bought them computers. The ad read for ages 3 and up and my youngest is almost three and my oldest is six. And already they have computers. When I was six I got a Davy Crockett coon skin cap and jacket.

Isn’t it amazing how times change? The cap and jacket was made in America, too. You won’t see that today. No, today the cap and jacket is made in a third world country by an underage child.

The computers I got my two boys were made in China because I couldn’t find a computer that is made in America. That’s pathetic, isn’t it? TV’s aren’t made in America anymore, Computers; all appliances are made overseas now. It just isn’t right. What the hell is our government thinking? Do they care at all about the people who voted for them? Apparently not.

I really hate to see what this country will be like when my children grow up. I know what the language will be, Spanish and Chinese.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I don't know about you, but I am not going to shop anywhere that has Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. And if anyone says "Happy Holidays" to me I will reply with, "And Merry Christmas to you too."

Lowes Home Improvement centers has Holiday Trees for sale. Not 'Christmas' Trees, but 'Holiday' trees. I guess they don't want to offend the athiests. All athiests shop at Lowes, you know. And Walmart is doing the same thing.

Since everything in Walmart is from China, I'll be surprised if anyone shops there anymore. I certainly won't. I love my kids and I don't want them to have stuff from China. It's not safe.

Buy American. You can trust it.

The Book

My book is almost ready for publication. A few tweaks and it'll be published. It's called 'Daddyhood' and it a humorous look at life with my two little boys. It covers everything that all parents go through everyday like changing diapers, getting them to bed, missing pacifiers, giving them baths, I just find the humor in it.

Hopefully the book will make you laugh, make you cry and make you think. If you want a copy for a reduced price just for reading this blog, send your e-mail to bc@worldwidebc.com and I will make sure you get one.

Isn't that nice of me?

Two Are Better Than One

When Austin was two my wife decided that he needed someone to play with. I suggested we get him a dog. It's cheaper, doesn't make as big a mess and we can name him Brother.

She wanted another child. I didn't think I could give that much love to another child, but when he was born I realized that it was so easy. Now I have two boys and my life is filled with love from both sides.

Bill Cosby said that you can't be considered a parent until you have two children. This is very true. One child is too easy to raise. You need at least two. Then, when something goes wrong, you have no idea who did it. Plus I can't walk in my living room because their stuff is scattered everywhere.

Walking through my living room barefooted is like walking through a mine field. I will never do it again.

A Changed Man

Before my first son was born I did drugs, smoked pot and drinked myself into oblivion. It came with the territory. i was a professional comedian and worked in bars every night. It was there and i did it. When my son came along I realized that if I was to raise him right, I had to get right first. So I gave up my career and the drugs and pot and alcohol and I became a changed man.

I thought I had gotten rid of all my pot stuff like the bongs and roach clips and pin s and t-shirts and stuff, but my son, who is now six, found a pin that I still had with the words, "A friend with weed is a friend indeed" on it. So he put it on his shirt and wore it to school like a sheriff's badge. And he got sent to the principal’s office. She called me and said if I wanted the pin I could come to school and get it.

I declined, of course. I just told her that she could have it or throw it away. Now I’m searching the house for every little thing I can find that relates to pot. After all, I’m on the PTA board. I don’t need this kind of crap in my life.