THREE ESSENTIAL PARENTING PRINCIPLES

By Craig H. Hart

Parenting with love, limits, and latitude can have far-reaching effects on children.


YOU hear the all-too familiar squealing and aren't surprised when you find your 2-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son in a tug-of-war match over a coveted toy. It has already happened several times today, and you're beginning to feel frustrated. How do you respond?

How parents handle such situations affects more than just the level of chaos in their home. Research has shown that parenting style can also affect children's social development.

Over the past 20 years, I have collaborated in studies of parents in several parts of the United States and in Australia, China, and Russia, where we have found surprising similarity in parenting styles and their effects on children's social skills. Around the world most parental behavior can be classified into one of three general parenting styles—coercive, permissive, and authoritative.

Our research suggests that authoritative styles are most effective in the long-term development of positive social behavior in children, and it supports what modern prophets have said. Authoritative parenting involves consistently connecting with children in a loving way, setting reasonable limits, and allowing children an appropriate measure of autonomy. Coercion and permissiveness are less-effective and often detrimental parenting patterns. Coercion involves the use of physical or psychological control to achieve desired behaviors in children. Permissive parenting overindulges children and allows them relatively free reign.

It is important to note that, even in the same family, no two children are alike or respond exactly the same to parenting. Brigham Young wisely encouraged parents to "study their [children's] dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly" (Discourses of Brigham Young, ed. John A. Widtsoe [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1998], p. 207). For most children, adapting a carefully tailored balance of three authoritative parenting principles—what I call love, limits, and latitude—can teach them correct behavior and help them develop social skills.

Love

Expressing love to children, or connecting, is the foundation of authoritative parenting. Parents lovingly connect with their children by spending playful time with them, showing affection, praising what they do well, reading to them, and assuring them of the relationship during moments of correction.

Even when circumstances cause parents to exercise their regulatory role, they should do it in a loving way. Coercion—physical or psychological—is rarely appropriate. Coercive behavior includes abuse and excessive spanking, threats of physical aggression, shouting, manipulating, withdrawing love, shaming, guilt trips, invalidating another's feelings, and being patronizing. While coercion often leads to immediate conformance by the child, research indicates it rarely results in a long-term solution and often leads to the child's being more defiant, depressed, aggressive or withdrawn, and manipulative in the home and with peers.

Modern-day prophets going back to Brigham Young have spoken out against coercive parenting and in favor of a more loving, connecting approach. President Young said, "Kind words and loving actions towards children, will subdue [children's] uneducated nature a great deal better than . . . physical punishment" (Deseret News Weekly, Dec. 7, 1864, p. 2). President Joseph F. Smith added that parents should "use no lash and no violence" and maintained that "the man that will be angry at his boy, and try to correct him while he is in his anger, is in the greatest fault. . . . You can only correct your children . . . in kindness by love unfeigned, by persuasion, and reason" (Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1963], pp. 316–17). And President Gordon B. Hinckley called on parents to be "companionable" with their children ("Some Thoughts on Temples, Retention of Converts, and Missionary Service," Ensign [Nov. 1997], p. 49).

Parents can create loving connections with their children by interacting with gentleness, kindness, long-suffering, and charity (see D&C 121:41; 45). When reproof is necessary, parents should follow it up with "an increase of love . . . lest [the child] should esteem [them] to be his enemy" (D&C 121:43).

Secular research supports this approach. Children of parents who focus on loving relationships and are less coercive tend to be better at regulating their emotions and finding peaceful resolutions to problems. They are more skilled at reading social cues and developing trusting and accepting friendships with peers.

Limits

While love is the foundation of authoritative parenting, children also need appropriate limits. What is appropriate in limit setting depends on a given child's disposition and maturity. In that way, parenting is like riding a horse. For some children parents may need to hold the reigns tighter. Other children may require less parental steering. And with some children, holding the reigns too tightly may only lead to defiance. Knowing when to let up on the reigns and when to tighten your grip takes a lot of creativity and inspiration.

Many limits can be implicit. For instance, children who grow up with parents who attend church each Sunday, always wear their seatbelts, and never curse may not need explicit rules about such matters. President David O. McKay counseled parents, "Children are more influenced by the sermons you act than by the sermons you preach" (in Conference Report, April 1955, p. 26). When parents do create explicit limits, it is important to distinguish mountains from molehills and not make the number of rules overwhelming.

It is important that, when possible, parents provide reasons for rules in advance ("People are reading in the library. We can stay as long as we are quiet.") rather than react arbitrarily to a child's misbehavior. Rules should also have logical consequences. For example, if there is a family rule against rollerblading in the house, an appropriate consequence for breaking the rule might be that the child cannot rollerblade for a specified amount of time. Suspending driving privileges for traffic violations or calmly showing up at an adolescent's teen party when curfew is violated are other examples.

Parents become permissive when they don't enforce boundaries. Calmly and consistently following through and explaining why punishments are administered are vital for helping children learn to regulate their behavior.

Logical rewards can be appropriate consequences for keeping family rules. Complimenting children ("The lawn looks great."), providing earned rewards ("If you finish your homework early, you can play your computer game until bedtime."), and offering surprise rewards ("Thanks for eating your dinner each night this week. Let's go out for ice cream.") allow children to experience the fruits of good behavior, hard work, and obedience.

Research suggests that children whose parents establish appropriate limits on their behavior and follow through are less likely to abuse drugs and be aggressive and delinquent and are more likely to adjust well to school. They are better at thinking through the consequences of actions and are more willing to abide by laws. They also tend to be more capable of moral reasoning and are more self-controlled.


Latitude

Speaking of the Saints, Joseph Smith said, "I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves" (qtd. by John Taylor, in Millennial Star, Nov. 15, 1851, p. 339). Similarly, parents need to remember that their children will not be under their direct guidance forever. Children eventually leave home and need to "govern themselves." One way parents can prepare their children for this time is by giving them a measure of latitude, or autonomy, appropriate to their maturity.

From the time children are toddlers, parents can let them make reasonable decisions within established boundaries. Young children can help choose what to wear. Older children can have a say in how they accomplish their chores. Teens can be allowed to make media choices so long as they fall within family guidelines. Giving children some say in decision making puts them in the "driver's seat" and prepares them to make farther-reaching decisions later.

Giving children latitude means negotiating and compromising on rules when appropriate. Some rules can be adjusted under certain conditions. Suppose a family rule is that children can play only after chores are done. What if the cousins stop by for a short visit? If the parents won't budge, they may create a lot of resentment in their children. Instead, the parents and children might decide to consider that day exceptional and work out an alternate plan. Being willing to negotiate with children and compromise when flexibility is possible gives them more control over their lives and prepares them for real-world negotiation and compromise.

Research backs up the need to allow children latitude. Children who experience an appropriate amount of autonomy tend to be better at sharing power and understanding others' viewpoints. They have fewer disputes with their parents and are more respectful of adults in general. They better manage their activities. And in peer relationships they place more emphasis on persuasion and negotiation to get their way.

Parenting by Righteous Principles

I often joke that I was a much better parent before I had kids. Authoritative parenting takes time, patience, creativity, faith, and inspiration. And no parent handles every situation perfectly. When we fall short as parents, we need to apologize and try to do better.

There are no recipes for producing happy, well-adapted children, but there are principles we can follow. Using love, limits, and latitude, parents can avoid "unrighteous dominion," leading their children "by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned" (D&C 121:39; 41).
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Craig H. Hart is chair of the Marriage, Family, and Human Development Program in the School of Family Life.

Daddy Knows Best

If you’re like a lot of couples out there, you and your partner have very different parenting styles. But that doesn’t mean what he’s doing is wrong. Men may be from Mars, but when it comes to bringing up babies (and toddlers, preschoolers, and teens), they can be just as effective as women. According to a report from the American Academy of Pediatrics, dads can be a positive influence on their children’s development. And research shows that when kids bond with their dads they feel more secure and curious — and less likely to lose it when they get frustrated. So let your partner discover his own parenting style.

Did The flintstones Wear Underwear?

My oldest boy asked me the other day, "Daddy, did the Flintstones wear underwear?" That didn't bother me. what bothered me was, I had to think about it. I had to think long and hard. I ended up saying, "Yes, of course they did." but actually they didn't. Underwear hadn't been invented yet. Unless it was underwear made of stone and by definition that is horribly uncomfortable. But I said yes because I didn't want him going to school the next day, dropping his pants in front of everyone and going, "Look, I'm not wearing any underwear - just like the Flintstones.

I told my two boys I would never lie to them, but in times like these, little white lies are okay, I have learned.

The Meaning of 'Man'

I ran into a guy I go to college with the other day. We've been on break since before Christmas. I'm starting my second year back in school next week. And I'm 60-years old. So I run into this guy, I roll down my window and say, "Hey man. How are you doing?" He goes, "Hey, man, I'm doing alright."
"Did you have a good Christmas, man?"
"Yeah, man, it was cool."
"Hey, man, are you going to be back in school next semester?"
"Oh, yeah, man. I'll be there."
And this went on for about five minutes. When I left, my four-year old who was in the back seat asked, "Daddy, why did you call each other man?"
So I had to explain the meaning of man to my son. It really isn't easy. I couldn't tell him it's just a greeting like, "Hey, dude!" Then he will want to know what dude means. Next thing you know I'll be in over my head. And I hate it when that happens.

My Youngest Boy Is Now Four

My youngest boy turned four years old on January 24th. They grow up so fast. He still hugs me every night and tells me he loves me and now when my oldest boy hits him he hits back. They love each other, they just have a strange way of showing it.

We gave him a batman cake. He ate all the icing and left the cake. I used to do that too. We're taking my two boys to their first concert next week, the Buddy Holly Tribute Show. That will be a blast.

Rock on boys, just like your daddy. You're never too old to Rock-N-Roll

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influences the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today? Just by sending this to someone else, you will probably make them at least think about their influence on others.

"I Hate My Newborn Baby!"

I found the following ob MSN Online:

"I Hate My Newborn Baby!"
A new dad confesses: They're not always bundles of joy
Add this page to favoritesBy Steve Belanger, Men’s Health

Week 1
The first few days are a blur of exhilaration and exhaustion. I sit holding that little ball of flesh--all 6 pounds of him--and I can't believe how lucky I am.

On the third day, we take Matthew home. My wife and I are looking forward to spending the next 3 months together, raising our boy. After that, she'll go back to work and I'll stay home.
The parenting books say the average newborn sleeps about 19 hours a day. That's how long our boy cries. He never naps, and at night he sleeps for just 20 minutes at a time, and only when he's being held. This makes it tough to follow the first rule of having a newborn: Sleep when the baby sleeps.

Week 2
Clearly something is wrong. We take Matthew to the doctor. "It's just a little intestinal distress," he tells us. "It's fairly common and nothing to worry about."

Meanwhile, my wife, Kelly, and I start sleeping in shifts. She goes to bed at 7 p.m. while I sit in the basement with Matthew for, inevitably, 5 hours of crying. Then at midnight, we switch for 5 hours.

Before, the basement had been my sanctuary. Comfy couches, big-screen TV, every man's dream. Now it's my prison. I lose my temper 50 times a night. Sitting there alone in the dark, exhausted, I'm overwhelmed. "Why are you doing this!" I scream at him. "What do you want me to do?"

Week 3
I hate my newborn baby. There, I said it. Nobody ever says it. But if what Matthew is going through is fairly common, then I'm sure more than a few men have thought it. It's always "Coochie-coochie-coo!" and "Oh, he's a handful, but he's worth it." Yeah, right. Am I missing something here?

I'd waited 42 years to meet this kid. Now I want to return him. Or ask for an exchange. "Do you have any quiet babies that I could take instead? No? Would you mind looking in the back?"
I feel like the worst dad ever.

Week 4
Two more doctor visits and no improvement. We switch to formula, replace Matthew's bed linens, and start using a humidifier in his room. We're desperate for something, anything, to click. Friends say things like, "Just wait. One of these days he'll start sleeping, and your life will change." Every time he dozes for more than 15 minutes we think we've turned a corner. But then he wakes up crying, as if someone has just poured a bucket of ice water on him.

Week 5
The doctor thinks maybe Matthew has a milk allergy, so he wants us to switch to a soy-based formula. We start him on a Saturday.

The next day, my mother-in-law comes over to give us some relief. Kelly and I each go our separate ways. She takes care of some stuff around the house, and I lock myself in front of a day's worth of NFL games. By dinnertime, my mother-in-law is deeply concerned. "He's getting worse," she says.

I call the doctor, who advises us to allow the new formula a few more hours to work through his system. At 10 p.m., Matthew is as miserable as we've ever seen him. We decide to take him to the ER.

Then, as we're getting ready, something crazy happens. He falls asleep in my wife's arms. We don't get our hopes up--we've fallen for this trick before. Fifteen minutes later, we take a chance and lay him down. Still out cold. Then we dare to crawl into our own bed.

That night, he sleeps 6 hours straight. It's the breakthrough we've been hoping for.

Today
As I write this, Matthew is sitting in his bouncy seat looking at me with a smirk on his face. He's 6 months old, and he's already my best friend. Every night he listens to my troubles, cooing his understanding or praising me with an encouraging fart. But for his first few weeks on this planet, we did not get along. Not at all.

Looking back, I feel incredible guilt--not just for having had so much hatred and anger, but for how selfish I'd been. Many new parents are facing real problems. Their kids are sick. They're having trouble affording basic necessities. They're doing it alone. My wife and I were together 24-7 and parenting knocked us on our asses.

To those struggling parents, I say best of luck.

To my wife, who's now back at work, I say thank you for giving me such a wonderful son.
And to my boy, well, I'm sorry about the things I said to you during your first few weeks. I promise to make it up to you for the rest of your life. I love you, buddy.

Hang in there. It will get better. They’re your future. Treat them with respect. Give them love.

Why Get Stressed Out?

Why do parents get stressed out over their children? Don't you realize that they won't be young forever? They're going to be grown up and they're going to move away and you will look back over the years that your children were home and you will see all the times you wasted by being stressed out over nothing. yelling at your children, sending them to their room, spanking them.

Times you could have spent laughing with your children. Times your could have spent having fun with your children. Times you could have spent being the parent that your children think you are.

Children are precious and they don't have a say in the matter. They don't mean to stress you out. They're just being children. They're doing what they're supposed to do - play and have fun. The problem isn't with the children, it's with your attitude.

You need to change your attitude. See the humor in your children, not the stress. Change the way you look at things and your life and your children's lives will change for the better. Children learn by watching you. If they see a stressed out parent who snaps over nothing, they're going to grow up an be the same way.

I don't know about you, but I don't want my children to grow up being stressed out. I want them to grow up and enjoy life. I want them to enjoy their children. I want them to be just like me. When you think about that, you'll start to see things differently and you will start to make better choices. Remember, be the parent that your children think you are.

BC is a professional speaker, Christian comedian and author. His current book is Daddyhood, a humorous and thought provoking book about life with his two boys. BC became a dad for the first time at 52 and the second time at 55. His life has been wonderful ever since.

Happy (After) Thanksgiving

It's finally over. Now all the parents in America can go to the mall and fight over great deals. I've been there. I've seen it. Normal, everyday, decent people fighting and cussing each other to get the last hot toy for their child.

Fighting over the hottest toy that will end up in the toy box never to be played with again in just two days. I don't know what the hot toy is this year. I remember when it was Elmo. Everyone had to have an Elmo for their child. Where is that Elmo now. Any idea. How about the Beenie Babies? The Cabbage Patch Kids?

Whatever it is this year, you can bet on one thing, it was made in China and it's not healthy for your child. But why do parents buy it. To save a couple of dollars. Is the health of your child worth it?

Mine isn't. That's why I'm buying toys made in America. They're safe, they're cool and they're fun to play with. Sure, they cost a little more. So I just won't buy my boys as much this year. But the things I do buy them will be safe and they won't be made in China.

I urge you to do the same. Aren't your kids worth it?

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I don't know about you, but I am not going to shop anywhere that has Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. And if anyone says "Happy Holidays" to me I will reply with, "And Merry Christmas to you too."

Lowes Home Improvement centers has Holiday Trees for sale. Not 'Christmas' Trees, but 'Holiday' trees. I guess they don't want to offend the athiests. All athiests shop at Lowes, you know. And Walmart is doing the same thing.

Since everything in Walmart is from China, I'll be surprised if anyone shops there anymore. I certainly won't. I love my kids and I don't want them to have stuff from China. It's not safe.

Buy American. You can trust it.

The Book

My book is almost ready for publication. A few tweaks and it'll be published. It's called 'Daddyhood' and it a humorous look at life with my two little boys. It covers everything that all parents go through everyday like changing diapers, getting them to bed, missing pacifiers, giving them baths, I just find the humor in it.

Hopefully the book will make you laugh, make you cry and make you think. If you want a copy for a reduced price just for reading this blog, send your e-mail to bc@worldwidebc.com and I will make sure you get one.

Isn't that nice of me?

Two Are Better Than One

When Austin was two my wife decided that he needed someone to play with. I suggested we get him a dog. It's cheaper, doesn't make as big a mess and we can name him Brother.

She wanted another child. I didn't think I could give that much love to another child, but when he was born I realized that it was so easy. Now I have two boys and my life is filled with love from both sides.

Bill Cosby said that you can't be considered a parent until you have two children. This is very true. One child is too easy to raise. You need at least two. Then, when something goes wrong, you have no idea who did it. Plus I can't walk in my living room because their stuff is scattered everywhere.

Walking through my living room barefooted is like walking through a mine field. I will never do it again.